Desperately Seeking Sanity

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss!

Being in a dark place for so long its so hard to focus on the present when your clinging so desperately to the past. Every day the kids get bigger and I'm amazed at what they are able to achieve, I just pray I'm not missing the most important part of their life trapped in this cloud.

It has been brought to my attention that I've been inadvertently shutting people out and hurting them unintentionally.  For that I am truly sorry.  Please understand that when people battle their depression,  sometimes it take all our might just to get out of bed everyday and put on a brave face to face the world with. I've never face depression like this and I don't know what's to come of it but hopefully something good, though I have no idea how.

I've been told the pain isn't gonna last forever, I don't see how that's possible but I know there's only one set of footprints in the sand right now for God is carrying me thru this hardship, I'm not sure why I had to lose my mother so young to cancer, or how not having her is going to make me a better and stronger person especially when I need her sooo much right now. Hopefully it will and it won't be this continued downward spril into a pit of depression. 

Music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDxgSvJINlU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I am a music lover. I tend to get picked on, in a manner of speaking, for knowing all the songs we play at work. Co-works have said "there is no way she knows this one.....how does she know this one too!?"

Music was always my escape, my release, my happy place and comfort zone. Its funny how one song can do so much for your grief and bring up so many daemons w the other.

I've never seen this video but own the album, this song helped me so much w the loss of Grammy, but today its brought up nothing but pain grief and deamons. I miss you so much mama....when you where called home I have happy you where no longer suffering but so unaware of how much I was going to lose when you left. When I lost you I lost everyone,  you wherr the glue that held us all together.  Being what feels like entirely alone sucks major and I would give anything to hear you say "I love you my daughter" one last time. I feel like I'm letting you down bc I can't stay focused on the present and am constantly in the past for future.  There is so much I wish I would have said, so much I wish I would have done. I'd give anything for a second chance but alas there are none. I miss you so much mama... till we are together again! JUST PEACHY alwayd and forever <3 <3 <3 <3

Blessings

Watch "Blessings - Laura Story - LYRICS" on YouTube

Missing you

I need to constantly remind myself that we are not of this world and that my pain of missing you is only temporary. You are no longer suffering from anything, you are not in pain fron cancer or the treatment, your not worried about money or the judgment of others, or any of those petty things we think matter here on earth. You are in the presence of the one true King and I will sing his praises and be envious until the day He brings me home. Until the day you meet me at the gates of heaven with all the believers who have gone before me.

I hope you know how much you mean to me. I do not know what I will do without you. On this journey of motherhood without out you makes it so much harder. And harder still it is for me to be present here with them and not in the past or looking towards the future.

You will always be apart of me as you are the one who raised me and as I raise my kids I hear you in me everyday. I miss the pysiycallity of it all. I miss the reassurance you used to always give me that I am a good mom, without you here, with this pain inside me its hard to see what a good mother I really am.

I am missing you terribly!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 JUST PEACHY <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Totally fucked up

Well as the title suggests I totally fucked up. so here's what happened, I got really drunk last night and text someone I care a lot about and totally went off on a drunken rant all via text message.

I do not know what to do or how to fix this. As I lay on the sofa in agony the one thing I know I need to do and have said many times I was going to do but haven't, I seriously need to consider giving up alcohol. I tend to drink too much, black out and let all my buried issues come flowing out like wordvomit.

I've always been an oversharer when it comes to myself but with my feelings, especially when I'm hurting I intervert then I drink it all comes out in this horrible way.

I dont know what else I could do other than apologize over and over again and hope for forgiveness. Maybe one day...

German Apple Pancake

This is my new favorite recipe and it is sooooooo delish!!! And Easy; and quick!!! Especially if you are having people over, works out GREAT, Can’t wait to make it for MOPS one morning and sleep overs. So the few things I do differently with this recipe is since I found out about Oven bacon, I put my bacon into the cold over and preheat to 400 first, after 15 min you get PERFECT bacon; and your oven is ready. the org recipe was for two people so I doubled everything, I used a fiji apple because thats what I had, and of course king arthur whole wheat flour. I haven’t tried the German apple pancake yet with flax seed or wheat germ but I’m pretty sure that is will be just as easily integrated as everything else I cook bread wise.  Hope you enjoy!!

German Apple Pancake

Original recipe from Pampered Chef, Stoneware inspirations

Prep Time 30: min Bake Time: 20-23 min

Apple filling

1 small granny smith apple

1-2 tbl butter

¼ cup packed brown sugar

1-2 tsp cinnamon

Pancake

1         cup all purpose flour;

2         tbl sugar

½ tsp salt

4         eggs

1 cup milk (I used lactose free milk bc of kat’s dairy allergy)

1 tbl butter

1)      Preheat oven to 400F. Grease stoneware or glass pan. For apple filling, peel, core and slice apple. Cut apple slices into quarters. Melt butter in a small sauté pan over medium heat. Add apple, brown sugar and cinnamon. Cook 20 minutes or until apple is very tender and most of the liquid has evaporated.

2)       Meanwhile, for pancake, combine flour, sugar, and salt in a medium bowl. In a small bowl, Wisk together eggs milks and melted butter. Add egg mixture to flour mixture, until dry ingredients are moistened, batter will be slightly lumpy.

3)      Pour batter into baker. Spoon apple mixture evenly over batter. Bake 20-23 min until puffed and golden brown.

4)      Remove from oven, let cool slightly, cut and ENJOY!

Google Lies!!

GOOGLE LIES!!

Okay I'm sure by now you all have seen it, the commercial with the dad sending email to his baby daughter of the different things she did that week, day, month, whatever.

Super cute commercial and I thought that was the GREATEST idea, beats the normal baby journals and what not, well I deiced to do that for my lil dude and Google would not let me bc he was too young, and sent me to this link http://business.ftc.gov/controller/cp-children’s-online-privacy

I totally get that the Internet is not a safe place; my generation is the one who really bit the bullet on that on and learned the hard way. My son would NEVER be on here by himself, he just want to play the Scooby-doo games and I wanted to send him little letters that he could read when he's older.


I'm gettin fed up with companies making these commercial that are blatant lies. Why could he do it, and now I cannot. UGH! Ads serve one purpose and one purpose only, to get you to buy or use their product, doesn't matter to them if they lie or make stuff up as long as you buy it.

Google I'm disappointed.....