Monday, November 18, 2013

Desperately Seeking Sanity

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss!

Being in a dark place for so long its so hard to focus on the present when your clinging so desperately to the past. Every day the kids get bigger and I'm amazed at what they are able to achieve, I just pray I'm not missing the most important part of their life trapped in this cloud.

It has been brought to my attention that I've been inadvertently shutting people out and hurting them unintentionally.  For that I am truly sorry.  Please understand that when people battle their depression,  sometimes it take all our might just to get out of bed everyday and put on a brave face to face the world with. I've never face depression like this and I don't know what's to come of it but hopefully something good, though I have no idea how.

I've been told the pain isn't gonna last forever, I don't see how that's possible but I know there's only one set of footprints in the sand right now for God is carrying me thru this hardship, I'm not sure why I had to lose my mother so young to cancer, or how not having her is going to make me a better and stronger person especially when I need her sooo much right now. Hopefully it will and it won't be this continued downward spril into a pit of depression. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I am a music lover. I tend to get picked on, in a manner of speaking, for knowing all the songs we play at work. Co-works have said "there is no way she knows this does she know this one too!?"

Music was always my escape, my release, my happy place and comfort zone. Its funny how one song can do so much for your grief and bring up so many daemons w the other.

I've never seen this video but own the album, this song helped me so much w the loss of Grammy, but today its brought up nothing but pain grief and deamons. I miss you so much mama....when you where called home I have happy you where no longer suffering but so unaware of how much I was going to lose when you left. When I lost you I lost everyone,  you wherr the glue that held us all together.  Being what feels like entirely alone sucks major and I would give anything to hear you say "I love you my daughter" one last time. I feel like I'm letting you down bc I can't stay focused on the present and am constantly in the past for future.  There is so much I wish I would have said, so much I wish I would have done. I'd give anything for a second chance but alas there are none. I miss you so much mama... till we are together again! JUST PEACHY alwayd and forever <3 <3 <3 <3

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Missing you

I need to constantly remind myself that we are not of this world and that my pain of missing you is only temporary. You are no longer suffering from anything, you are not in pain fron cancer or the treatment, your not worried about money or the judgment of others, or any of those petty things we think matter here on earth. You are in the presence of the one true King and I will sing his praises and be envious until the day He brings me home. Until the day you meet me at the gates of heaven with all the believers who have gone before me.

I hope you know how much you mean to me. I do not know what I will do without you. On this journey of motherhood without out you makes it so much harder. And harder still it is for me to be present here with them and not in the past or looking towards the future.

You will always be apart of me as you are the one who raised me and as I raise my kids I hear you in me everyday. I miss the pysiycallity of it all. I miss the reassurance you used to always give me that I am a good mom, without you here, with this pain inside me its hard to see what a good mother I really am.

I am missing you terribly!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 JUST PEACHY <3 <3 <3 <3 <3