Totally fucked up

Well as the title suggests I totally fucked up. so here's what happened, I got really drunk last night and text someone I care a lot about and totally went off on a drunken rant all via text message.

I do not know what to do or how to fix this. As I lay on the sofa in agony the one thing I know I need to do and have said many times I was going to do but haven't, I seriously need to consider giving up alcohol. I tend to drink too much, black out and let all my buried issues come flowing out like wordvomit.

I've always been an oversharer when it comes to myself but with my feelings, especially when I'm hurting I intervert then I drink it all comes out in this horrible way.

I dont know what else I could do other than apologize over and over again and hope for forgiveness. Maybe one day...

German Apple Pancake

This is my new favorite recipe and it is sooooooo delish!!! And Easy; and quick!!! Especially if you are having people over, works out GREAT, Can’t wait to make it for MOPS one morning and sleep overs. So the few things I do differently with this recipe is since I found out about Oven bacon, I put my bacon into the cold over and preheat to 400 first, after 15 min you get PERFECT bacon; and your oven is ready. the org recipe was for two people so I doubled everything, I used a fiji apple because thats what I had, and of course king arthur whole wheat flour. I haven’t tried the German apple pancake yet with flax seed or wheat germ but I’m pretty sure that is will be just as easily integrated as everything else I cook bread wise.  Hope you enjoy!!

German Apple Pancake

Original recipe from Pampered Chef, Stoneware inspirations

Prep Time 30: min Bake Time: 20-23 min

Apple filling

1 small granny smith apple

1-2 tbl butter

¼ cup packed brown sugar

1-2 tsp cinnamon

Pancake

1         cup all purpose flour;

2         tbl sugar

½ tsp salt

4         eggs

1 cup milk (I used lactose free milk bc of kat’s dairy allergy)

1 tbl butter

1)      Preheat oven to 400F. Grease stoneware or glass pan. For apple filling, peel, core and slice apple. Cut apple slices into quarters. Melt butter in a small sauté pan over medium heat. Add apple, brown sugar and cinnamon. Cook 20 minutes or until apple is very tender and most of the liquid has evaporated.

2)       Meanwhile, for pancake, combine flour, sugar, and salt in a medium bowl. In a small bowl, Wisk together eggs milks and melted butter. Add egg mixture to flour mixture, until dry ingredients are moistened, batter will be slightly lumpy.

3)      Pour batter into baker. Spoon apple mixture evenly over batter. Bake 20-23 min until puffed and golden brown.

4)      Remove from oven, let cool slightly, cut and ENJOY!

Google Lies!!

GOOGLE LIES!!

Okay I'm sure by now you all have seen it, the commercial with the dad sending email to his baby daughter of the different things she did that week, day, month, whatever.

Super cute commercial and I thought that was the GREATEST idea, beats the normal baby journals and what not, well I deiced to do that for my lil dude and Google would not let me bc he was too young, and sent me to this link http://business.ftc.gov/controller/cp-children’s-online-privacy

I totally get that the Internet is not a safe place; my generation is the one who really bit the bullet on that on and learned the hard way. My son would NEVER be on here by himself, he just want to play the Scooby-doo games and I wanted to send him little letters that he could read when he's older.


I'm gettin fed up with companies making these commercial that are blatant lies. Why could he do it, and now I cannot. UGH! Ads serve one purpose and one purpose only, to get you to buy or use their product, doesn't matter to them if they lie or make stuff up as long as you buy it.

Google I'm disappointed.....

Bitten

Well I knew this was going to happen, but hopefully it won't be around for long.....

I held a 6 week old baby the other day and now I got babies on the brain. Missin the days when lil miss kat was a squish newborn baby.

I however am absolutely terrified to have anymore children, when kat was born my mother was very sick, that day in the hosp she was their by my side for the whole thing like she was with her lil dude but the GBM cancer she was suffering from was evident that we did not have long. I wanted her to cut the cord, for I knew this would be the last chance she'd ever have to be there in the delivery room with me. When she did it took her almost 4, I say almost bc the last cut she did twice, cuts. During surgery they could not get all of the brain tumor as it was wrapped around her optical nerve, she lost some sight during the operation but as the months grew on she lost more and more of her vision.

Mama passed away Jan 19th, the day after Kat's 3 month birthday. I did not get to see her the day before she died and was not there when she passed. I dealt with a lot of depression after that, many said I was very strong but I am not, i just bury it away and lean on God.

God is my strength.

I want to believe that my depression was related to my mother's passing but I think I also suffered from postpartum depression; I am afraid that I will have PPD again if I ever have another baby. I am afraid to be pregnant and in labor again without my mother. She was the best coach, her, my husband and midwife. I am afraid to be a mom without my mama.....

I know I must, but its so hard with her not here.......

So we put a pin in it :~) My hubby rubby is such an amazing man, he said we won't worry about that now and we shall wait a year on having a baby if we choose. He however is happy with two. His advice, that I get a government job and he stays home with the children. I think that would be quite nice. For now, I am turning to God and the people around me to help me get through this hard time, I've done very well at not dealing with my emotions, but I do not think that is God's plan as I'm an emotional wreck lately....

Okay God, let the healing begin!

Praying For Your Husband Head to Toe

This was shared with me, and I had to pass this one...

Praying For Your Husband Head to Toe

Head

Father, I ask that You would continually renew my husband’s mind, resulting in a transformed life. Help him bring every thought to Christ and make it obedient to You. Give him a greater understanding of Your Word. Help him to think on things that are pure and right and worthy of praise.” (Psalm 119:15, Rom 12:2, 2 Cor.10:5)

...

Eyes

Lord, keep open my husband’s eyes to spiritual truths that You have for him. Help him to see things as You see them. Please guard his eyes from things that make his heart wander away from you and me. (Psalm 119:18, Psalm 119:37)

Ears

Father, help my husband to hear Your voice clearly. Give him wisdom to recognize your voice with certainty. Protect him from listening to those who aren’t seeking or walking with You. Guard him from negativity of what others say, and help him discern between good and evil. Thank you for giving him the ability to determine what is of You and what is not. (Is 30:21, 1 Kings 3:9, 1 John 4:1)

Mouth

Jesus, help my husband to speak the truth in love. Your desire is for him to be quick to listen and slow to speak – so I pray that you would make that his desire too. Give him courage to lovingly confront when necessary. Let the words he speaks be Yours, not his own. Help him speak words that bring grace and truth to the hearers. Thank you that You want to help him grow in his ability and desire to communicate with you and others. (Psalm 19:14, 119:13, 41:3; Eph 4:15, 4:29; James 1:19)

Heart

Lord, instill in my husband’s heart a desire to seek passionately after You. Teach him to guard his heart with diligence and wisdom. Help him deal with anything in his heart that is not pleasing to You or that separates him from You. Create in him a pure heart, O Lord. Thank you that You are enabling him to lead our family with integrity and honor. (Psalm 78:72, 119:10-11; Prov 4:23; 1 Thes 3:13)

Hands

Lord, I pray everything my husband does would be done with his whole heart, serving You rather than man. Seeking to please You alone. I pray You will increase his skills and his abilities so that he might bring honor and glory to you – and feel like a good provider for our family. Thank You for blessing everything he puts his hands to. (Psalm 24:3-4, Col 3:23)

Feet

Jesus, I pray my husband would love Your Words and walk in Your ways. Help him walk in a manner that is worthy of You, bearing fruit in every good work. I pray You’d show him how to creatively share your truth with our kids as he does life with them each day. Father, when he walks through the valley of the shadow of doubt and difficulties, I pray he would fear no evil because He knows that you are with him. Thank you for loving and leading Him. (Deut 6:7, 8:6, Col 1:10, Psalm 23:4)

MMMM! Homemade Cinnamon Rolls! YUM!

So I was perusing through my countless cookbook for new ideas and was going through Southern Living 40 years of the best recipes and found a Cinnamon Rolls recipe that does not involve refrigerated dough, which is the only recipes I could find for the longest time. This is totally from scratch. YAY!

Well not only are they OHHHH so yummy they are also very easy! DOUBLE YAY!  I made these on Tuesday with full intent on bringing them to precepts class but alas as is everything from scratch with yeast, they had to rest for 40 min before being cooked.

Since it's taken me so long to find such a good recipe I thought I would share it with all of you.

Cinnamon Rolls - Makes 2 dozen

Yummy cinnamon rolls, there was another pan but they got eaten quick. Note: I left the oven on when I left, and they rose for almost 3 hours....I took them out with still 4 min left so hopefully the next batch won't be as "dark"

1/2 cup water
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup butter

3 1/2-4 cups all purpose flour (I used white whole wheat flour)
1 tsp salt
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 (1/4 oz) envelope rapid rise yeast
2 large eggs

1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened
2 tsp cinnamon

For icing
2 cups sifted powdered sugar
3 1/2-4 Tbsp milk
1/4 tsp vanilla extract

1. Combine water, 1/2 cup milk, and 1/3 cup butter in a saucepan over medium heat; cook until butter almost melts, stirring occasionally. Cool to 125-130 degrees.

2. Combine 2 cups flour and next 3 ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Gradually add warm milk mixture to flour, beating at low speed of a heavy- duty electric mixer. add eggs and beat 3 min at medium speed.

3. Gradually add 1 1/2 cups flour beating 2 min. Gradually stir in enough remaining flour to make a soft dough.

4. Turn dough out onto a well-floured surface, and knead 5 min or until smooth and elastic. Cover and let rest 10 min. Divide dough in half. Working with half of the dough at a time and keeping other half covered, roll each half into 12 in square.

5. Combine 1 cup brown sugar, 1/3 cup butter, and cinnamon (I used a pastry blender for this part) Spread evenly over both squares of dough. Roll up dough, jelly roll fashion, starting at long end; pinch seams to seal (I did not pinch the seams...opps)

6. Cut each roll into 1-inch slices. Place rolls, cut side down, in 2 lightly greased 9 in square pans (I only have one so I put the rest in two glass pie pans)

7. Cover and let rise in a warm place free from drafts, 40 min or until doubled in size. Bake at 375 degrees for 18 minutes or until golden brown ( if you can smell them they are most likely finished)

8. combine powdered sugar, 3/12 to 4 Tbsp of milk, and vanilla; drizzle glaze over warm rolls. (I did not do this as I did not have any powdered sugar)

NOTE: Baked cinnamon rolls can be frozen without glaze for up to 3 months. Thaw in refrigerator overnight and bake in foil at 375 for 10 min.


Hope you enjoy them as much as my family did!

Adventures in Canning

This past weekend for the first time ever, I canned! And I actually enjoyed it!

I got two bushels of tomato's and canned them. I have 12 quart jars full of tomato's! and 3 quarts of tomato sauce that I will use for pizza or pasta.

One thing I learned in my adventure, when peeling and coring the tomato's ( I did not removed the seeds, just the core and skins) Once you carve a X into the bottom of the tomato drop it in hot water to peel the skin, this takes like 30 secs if that.

Core the tomato first before taking the skin off...its a WHOLE LOT easier than skinning and then coring because the tomato's are very very slippery, not something I had really thought of before. Core and then skinning made it a lot easier than the other way around.

Next up I think I might try to make grape jelly. Did you know that jelly is like 4 lbs of fruit and like 7 cups of sugar!! HOLY COW! That's a lot of sugar!!

In our back yard we have a 2 pear trees, 2 cherry trees and a grape vine. Our pear trees have never really produced eatable fruit, except for the groundhogs who love to eat their breakfast from my tree, but they are very bitter or totally destroyed by the bugs. So we picked them all and hubs is going to trim the tree again and hopefully next year I might have some pears to add to my list of canned goods from my own homestead.

80 Days

Why yes, I am they type of DORK who tracks her birthday!

Today while looking over my new day planner I realized that there is only a little over 3 months until my birthday and as i haven't worked out in three months my plan to be 150 by my birthday might have failed.......But then I deiced why does it have to fail, I have 3 months, there is no reason, with losing 2 lbs a week I can not make my goal.

Today during nap, I worked out and after my work out I joined another walk, The Heart Walk on Nov 10th in DC. Figured since I was too late on the color run, its better to do something than nothing, and registration was FREE! Can't beat that, and I'll be walking with my Thirty One crew, that will be lots and lots of fun, and hubby is even going to join (bc I'm making him and it's on my birthday weekend! HA!)

As my scale has been broken for some time I have no clue where I'm starting at, except for about a month ago I had my annual checkup with my midwife and I weighted 168; so we'll start there!

Wouldn't it be totally awesome if I lost that 25lbs oh dude I'd be 143, and that hasn't happened since senior year of high school!

I just don’t get it!!

I have been told by many that I am fanatically about birthing and I guess its true; just found out that 3 more people I “know” also had to deliver by cesarean.  With everyone I know that is in my age bracket (ie 20-30s) I know of ONLY 5 women who have delivered vaginally, and only TWO of us, me included have had natural labors assisted by a midwife.

I just do not get it; I am not trying to judge anyone who has had a cesarean, I would not be here if my mom did not have an emergency c-section, she had preeclampsia and we both would have died. I just don’t get why everyone women need a cesarean. I just don’t get it,  I was not there so I can’t say why all these women need them, and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be all up in their grill being like “why’d you have a c-section? Was it really needed or did the epidural cause the baby’s heart to drop? Or did you hit 12 hrs and they said you weren’t progressing well and there were no other options?” Maybe some of the women did actually need them, but when I see all this healthy fit mothers needed a cesarean I just makes me question the docs.  I just don’t get why it’s such common practice and no one seems to care.




 Both of my drug free labor and delivery cost in total only $5,000 (each), we had to pay $1000 of that. I couldn’t even imagine paying part of the $30,000 they charge for the major surgery that is a cesarean. Hopefully all the women who have had to have them have better insurance than me.



I don’t understand how women do not educate themselves about labor and delivery and just go with c-section off the break. America has on the highest infant mortality rate and we have the highest cesarean rate and the LOWEST breastfeeding rate.  Am I the only person who sees something wrong with this?



My first born 2009-Water birth @ Mercy Hosp w my midwife, my husband and my mom by my side, mom took this picture





My second born 2010- @ Mercy Hosp w my midwife and husband and mom by my side again, along with my bestie!



Meatless Mayham

So for a while now, especially with me trying to get healthy and run 5k's, I have been trying to get my family to eat more veggies. Well I deiced that there is no reason why for one meal a week we could have a meatless dinner.

I of course did not discuss this with the hubby and instead just made dinner; Veggie chili & fotato pancakes (mashed cauliflower w garlic & butter & rice milk) Well the the fotato pancakes where not holding together, I make potato pancakes all the time and they usually workout fine as long as I don't fuss with them too much. That was not the case last night and instead just served mashed fotato & chili, well about one bite into the chili I see hubs starting to push all the food around in the bowl and then professes "there's no meat in here?! That's not kool, at least give me sausage or ground beef or something! I'll eat the veggies too but it can't be meatless!!"

I explained that we consume a lot of animals as a family and I'm just trying to cut back, one meal a week won't kill him. His answer to that, "god gave us animals to eat right? So why are we not eating them!"

Well so much for that, my kids ate it, Lil dude had to be bribed with fig Newman's and games but that's nothing new in the dinner department. Kat at it all!!! Love that my daughter loves to eat the way she does!!!

Yesterday was another good day in this getting healthy journey. Did my 20min zumba abs video, did Jillian Michal's Standing Abs routine - all 3 sets I might add!
Ate pretty well too and did a lot of cleaning and laundry which is a good cal burn too :~)

Only drank about about 60oz of water. Still missing about 100oz; just have to keep it up and hopefully I will reach my goal and keep it.

Didn't get to run/jog/walk like I wanted to but that has a lot to do w no sidewalks in my area and only know of the jogging tracks at school. I am going to look into racks and rec to see if there is any parks w jogging tracks around me, Hopefully I will find one. Would love to go running everyday; especially with the race right around the corner I am seriously lacking in my training.

today was a good day

Thank god, today for the most part was a good day. Yet another successful day with a weaned LK; I got laundry done and put away; kitchen cleaned AND made it to resist a ball class despite a few mishaps with LK and all the drinks ready for our Gym trip {and I was only 15 min late}

Then we spent the day at a really beautiful park with a HUGE playground, talk about cardio, keeping track of a 3 yr old and an 18m old, but man did the kids have a BLAST!! I need to find something like that close to my house along with a jogging track thats not so hilly :~) I'm also on my fourth bottle of water, that's only 80 oz for the day but Hey I figure its a start its better than nothing and WAAAYYY better than soda.

Now I just need to keep this up and not fall into my normal habits of doing great for a month and then nothing for a week or so.  Wish me luck! going to try and blog every day till race day. Race for HOPE - DC - TEAM JUST PEACHY!

I Work Ouuuutttt :~)

I have seriously got to get with it, I FINALLY got to 168, which is a big deal for me to get under 170, it just never seems to happen, and then BAM I miss the gym, tiff's class, core class, everything! Missed a whole week at the gym, didn't do anything at home other than walk ~FINALLY FOUND A DOUBLE JOGGING STROLLER!!! YAY!! Might I say it's quite terrifying to go running w 65lbs of children pulling you. So we just walked.

 And i didn't even walk everyday like I have been saying I would. UGH!

Back to 172 I go :( But no worries, I will once again get back into the groove. Only 46 days left till the Race for Hope in DC Race for HOPE - DC - TEAM JUST PEACHY I know I will be doing more. Last night I did zumba w my bestie A and then we jogged for 20min on the treadmill. So nice to have a workout buddy. I am going to possibly do Zumba again tonight but I am defiantly going to tiff's class today! I need to it's been too long and she's freaking the greatest, reminds me so much of my person trainer Joe Buabeng, the BEST personal trainer in the WORLD!!!

I had given my self a challenge to lose 5% of my body weight by race day, which isn't much when I started only 8lbs. Well I'm also really slacking on my water so I'm going to add another challenge and do the water challenge, basically it's 10oz of water per 10lbs of body weight. So basically drink your weight in water, it works great, the one week I just upped my water to 150oz a day I lost 5lbs and felt great. I need to get back on that again; Hopefully double challenging my self, race day being almost a month away, I def need to kick things up into gear. And hopefully going to keep it here for the world to see :~)

Now time for some oatmeal for breakfast