Bitten

Well I knew this was going to happen, but hopefully it won't be around for long.....

I held a 6 week old baby the other day and now I got babies on the brain. Missin the days when lil miss kat was a squish newborn baby.

I however am absolutely terrified to have anymore children, when kat was born my mother was very sick, that day in the hosp she was their by my side for the whole thing like she was with her lil dude but the GBM cancer she was suffering from was evident that we did not have long. I wanted her to cut the cord, for I knew this would be the last chance she'd ever have to be there in the delivery room with me. When she did it took her almost 4, I say almost bc the last cut she did twice, cuts. During surgery they could not get all of the brain tumor as it was wrapped around her optical nerve, she lost some sight during the operation but as the months grew on she lost more and more of her vision.

Mama passed away Jan 19th, the day after Kat's 3 month birthday. I did not get to see her the day before she died and was not there when she passed. I dealt with a lot of depression after that, many said I was very strong but I am not, i just bury it away and lean on God.

God is my strength.

I want to believe that my depression was related to my mother's passing but I think I also suffered from postpartum depression; I am afraid that I will have PPD again if I ever have another baby. I am afraid to be pregnant and in labor again without my mother. She was the best coach, her, my husband and midwife. I am afraid to be a mom without my mama.....

I know I must, but its so hard with her not here.......

So we put a pin in it :~) My hubby rubby is such an amazing man, he said we won't worry about that now and we shall wait a year on having a baby if we choose. He however is happy with two. His advice, that I get a government job and he stays home with the children. I think that would be quite nice. For now, I am turning to God and the people around me to help me get through this hard time, I've done very well at not dealing with my emotions, but I do not think that is God's plan as I'm an emotional wreck lately....

Okay God, let the healing begin!